assalamualaikum..I know some of you would just expected what I'm gonna write in my blog everyday.i'm sorry if in any way,I dragged ome of you in my loneliness...I decided to write here,so that i can keep track on my grieving process..to see whether I'm making any progress or not along the way...
Now I realize why I feel hurt..I think its because my other half did not expect it as well..didn't expect that he will die that morning..and thinking how painul he is struggling with his last breath just hurt me..Just like I cried bila kyra nangis masa kena injection masa baby la...the feeling you felt when someone you loved was in pain...I tried to blocked my memories most of the time..sometimes i succeed,sometimes I failed..Its a repetition..till I just wished that i can just go to sleep and choose when to wake up...
I did something today..I CUT MY OWN NAILS!!! gila achievement..without even shed a tears...sebab?dah panjang sangat,and I know that he's not gonna be around to do it for me anymore..takkan nak biar cam kuku beruang,kan..so,terpaksala gagahkan diri do it on my own..tapi pedih gila la hati nie..
I did some readings as well...baca how people cope with the loss of their spouse,how they got up...ada this guy nie,still cried everyday after 6 mths wife dia pass away..Tuh lelaki..Me?No comment la...ada hari i tak menangis langsung,ada hari,I akan nangis berbakul-bakul...This pain I'm experiencing nobody can understand the depth of the pain..not family,not friend...except someone yang hilang their other half aja yang faham...No comforting words can calmed me down..or makes me feel better..if you all know what I mean..:(
I hope there is some progress...I hope I'll be able to live a normal life..eventho it seems so impossible..But i wanna keep believing....That the only thing that I have not..Believe..Believe that all happends for a reason..believe that Allah has better plans for me..Believe that ada ganjaran bagi manusia yang bersabar di atas DugaanNya...Thats what I can do now....Believe...
Last night I terjaga lepas I realize that i sobbed in my dream...bila bangun takda tears pun tapi dada sebakla..terus terjaga and solat Subuh...then dozed off again and terjaga balik at 7.30am...Macam inilah saya,tidur tu dapat beberapa jam aja now...:( I'm hoping that I'll get better...though I miss him every single minute....It still hurts..so much!
4 ulasan:
dont apologize -
you are too sad sebab no proper closure
I did not see my mum for last time- I arrived when she was already buried. I dont get the "closure" and it was so hard
but over time I learn to accept that Allah wants it to happen that way - she was in my house for few months but she died when I was not around - it just written to happen that way - who I am to complain
so dear it could happen any other way with you as well but Allah wrote it to be that way - tiada daya upaya kita dear- tiada daya upaya kita - redha sabar tawakal - redha qada dan qada'tuhan redha
"hugs"
its really hurt rite..?? i penah rase perkara yg same last 20 years cume bezanya i lost my dad and i see my mom struggle hari², menangis hari²dan sbgnya..i cume tinggal berdua je dgn my mom,mmg nampak byk kekurangan especially bile nak membesar tanpa bapa,but bile fikir secara positif i sbg anak cuba sorokkan kesedihan dari pandangan mata my mom and at the sametime kite mampu jadi kuat, kerana after this takde siape yang akan tolong diri kite melainkan diri kite sendiri.
i know mungkin terlalu awal utk u berhenti menangis, its ok, menangislah selagi mampu, tulislah ape yg u nak tulis in ur blog about ur miserable life but trust me, bile cukup masanye nanti u akan jadi kuat, lebih kuat dari orang lain..
do take care..
hiya, try not to be too selfish of urself. i know these are harsh words but for arwah's help become a better muslimah. sedekah yasin everyday for him. zikr every minute of your time, for you to feel better and for arwah.
doakan dijauhkan dari seksa kubur and akhirat. pray for his forgiveness. do tahajjud. with time by doing these you will feel better should you do it with ikhlas. may with all this ibadat that you do as his wife, Allah will give mercy for him. we will all die at one point, only Allah knows when. but with prayers, quran, zikr etc will help us in akhirah. I do feel for your loss but u are right, nobody will understand except Allah swt. dosa isteri is tanggunggan suami and should you do kebaikan the rewards are not only for you but also for him. Do sedekah and be with those less fortunate so you will be thankful. in akhirah with the sun just sejengkal from your head, swimming in sweat, naked etc nobody will be thinking about their children, husband, wives or parents. semua resah gelisah tentang amalan sendiri. solat is best and doa arwah. it is good to cry in your dua. take care now
hi dear,
everyday i read your blog and keeping track too on your progress.
IMHO, u need your family. i think one of the reason you are so down and lonely is because you don't have your support system to console, comfort and distract you from your grieveness.
is there any possibilities u are coming back to KL to see ur families and spend some time with them? or maybe them coming down to london to see you? ur brother ada dekat kan? cuba lah try a different approach.
i hope you feel better as time goes on. it might take a very long time u nak recover, but u will recover. kalau tak boleh tido malam tu, cuba solat malam utk isi malam2 yang u rasa empty tu.
you remind me of the movie P.S: I Love You.
*hugs*
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