A Painful Transition...

assalamualaikum and hi to my dear readers..I was in my cave this 2,3 days..trying to evaluate things..and last night I made a very hard decission my whole life...Adoila,after a week of thinking and contemplating,I've made that decission.Both me and kyra hated it..But we had too...due to some circumstances...

Before making that decission,I list down everything and I tried to imagine,if He was here,would he make the same choice.Knowing him,I know that he would make the same decission that I did..So,walau pahit,walau pedih,Me and Kyra had to do it jugak....I told Kyra,its ok to let go now,If ada rezeki in the future,we will be where we wanted to jugak.

I'm busy this coming week..I'm gonna have to tempah tomb for my beloved grave..I need to settle lotsa things..Hopefully Allah granted me all the strength I need to do so.Last night I dreamt of him..Again!Mana taknya,tidur pun with his shirt...sebelum tidur pun think of him...I missed him..so very much...I wanna hold him..I wanna kiss him...I wanna tell him how much I love him...He always said that I'm lack of affection..macam I didn't come to him often and tells him I love him..Its too late now,huh..Darling sweetheart,I love you..so very much..Maafkan meen sebab I didn't know how to show it all this while..I wished that I could turn back the time and do it otherwise....I hate myself for that,darl..

Ok,I Cinta You..sangat-sangat...and remember,you will always be my angel...Always..Forever!

How Its Gonna Be?

assalamualaikum...Friday again today..Went to the mall on my own yesterday.Bought 2 clothes,hair band and Kyra's stuffs.I felt hungry yesterday!Hah,thats new..Went to have a BBQ chicken with rice and coleslow..Then just lazying around the mall...

Went swimming with Kyra afterwards...After almost an hour of swimming,I decided to dived and dipped my face in the freezing cold water.When I emerged from the water,suddenly,I smelled something...a nice smell..Tak lain tak bukan,Its his smell! I swear It felt like he just passed by!The smell lasted for almost 2 minutes..Then It strucked my mind..whether he was there?Checking on us...I said I love him,I said I love him so much and I missed him..Hope he can feel that and hear me..Call me mad,I know!!!

Owh,I bought novel yesterday,and read it before going to bed last night.My old friend,F called...talk and talk with him.He understands what I've been through as he had the same experience a few years ago.So,good,at last someone knows how it really feels to lost someone you love in front of your naked eyes.Its painful..too painful..No one can understand how deep the wound is.

However,I decided not to dragged myself too much into sadness,I know that everyone will go someday..Its just a matter of time...So,merintih is definetely not helping and I'm glad that eventho I cry I never questioned Allah why me,why him or why us..He has his own reason/reasons.Siapalah I as hambaNya yang lemah nak mempersoalkan....Its ok...redha...

Ok,I hope today will be a better day for me.Although I still cry,someone told me,kalau tak rindu and tak teringat,that means,tiadalah kasih sayang,kan.I'm not a robot,I have feelings.And when I missed him,I will cry and recite fatihah.Crying is not an indication that we're weak,its merely because we're human....

My darling husband,hang in there sweatie,Mama tak henti-henti pray to Allah that one day,we'll be together again...there..insya Allah yer sayang...

Healing Myself

assalamualaikum....I woke up really late today..Did some power point work last night..Tiring,but I'm glad its over..Met new friends yesterday while swimming..Interesting!Met old friends in school in FB yesterday..Doing some catching up..and smiling..reminiscing...

Life is so-so.Not too great,not that terrible I guess.I started planning my way thru since yesterday.. Thinkin,evaluating whats best for both me and Kyra.Then,I think again whether He will make the same decission or not if he was here.Since we're alike,so usually we made the same decission..:)

I said good morning to him everyday i woke up..I might sound crazy talking to a t-shirt,but amazingly,it does help me.I know how to deal with myself now..when i feel down,weak and demotivated..The secret is CRY.Yes,whenever I feel like crying,I just cried like nobody's business..Then,memang rasa relieved sangat-sangat.Lepas tu I akan ok tau.Means I can do my work,go swimming,watched tv,solat dengan tenang semua.

Last night,I dreamt of him.We were holding hands,trying to board a plane to somewhere..honeymoon la kot as we're leaving Kyra.I realize that at some point in that dream,he's going to leave me,so,I purposely got up from my sleep,sebab takut that dream dragged and I akan teruk in the end.Tapi dah bangun,rasa menyesal and nak hantuk kepala kat didnding jugak,sebab tak puas be together with him..Sadis kan??

To my dear readers..please..please appreciate what you have now,your spouse,your partner..Like me,kalau rindu sangat,boleh doa jumpa dalam mimpi aja....itu pun sementara..:(

Killing Me Softly....

assalamualaikum..I didn't remember whether i've used this title before or not.I don't even know what day it is and what date it is.I felt a lot better yesterday...But it didn't last long...

Woke up today and realize he was gone..nothing new,kan...Its crazy that everytime I got up,I still can't remember that he was long gone..Nampak sangat I'm in denial,kan.My friend said that its normal that I'm gonna have a better day and a a worst day.Today definitely the worst la kan..

I tried to be strong...tried to think positive..however,I'm just a normal human being with feelings that I can't denied.How can I deny this man,that was in my life for 12 years..The image of his last breath kept repeating in my brain..again..and again..like a music box...I hate it! I don't wanna think of it anymore..its the most terrible memory of him that I had to dealt with my whole life..

Can I have a lil bit longer of a time off?When you think you're ok,that is when you're not ok...I hate being weak,I hate crying everyday as I know I would hurt him by doing so.

My love,I missed you so damn much..so damn much....I missed sitting on your lap before you go to work...I miss you staring at me and telling me how much you loved me and how you can't live without me....I hate it that I cant forget you..not even near,not even far..not even at all!

Remember this?What we said to each other.."Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me"

We said that to each other don't we?Hey baby,did you miss me as much as I miss you??? I should just go out and swim like mad now..I can't do this anymore..This is too hurting....:(

A New Life....

assalamualaikum my beloved readers.....Sempena tahun baru 2011 nie,I would like to open a new chapter of my life la kan....Nothing changed la tapinya..Just nak berusaha menjadi seorang hamba Allah yang lebih baik,menjadi ibu yang bertanggungjawab and isteri yang solehah..still..

I felt better now sebab dengan kuasa Allah,I met with this ibu,I called her..She made me realize how thankful I should be..Ibu said that its better Allah took him first as if I were me,my husband won't be as strong as I am today..Walaupun in that 30 days,I memang teruk gila.Ibu said that my hyusband always regards me as his source of strength.He always told me that he can't live without me.Ibu said that if I was the one,he will be devastated,he might just lost...forever....Hearing that,I'm just thankful...walaupun I teruk gila,setengah mati,but I still can get up,taking care of Kyra.I don't think he can without me.

He's the nicest man I've ever known apart from my dad.If I got sick he would tell me that he prayed to God that Allah could transfer all my sickness and pain to him.He said he can't bear seeing me suffer.Its ok Allah took him away,after almost 12 years we've been together.

I'm thankful that I had a chance to felt true love..I've found my soulmate..which bukan semua orang that lucky.Even ada husband and wife yang don't share that bonding and closenest.I've got that.Human love is so uncertain..Cinta pada Allah is eternity.

The love that me and him shared is from Allah and to Allah I prayed that we'll be together..someday..there.. Di tempat yang kekal abadi.As for now,I'm continuing my life...saying good morning to him,still talking to him,how much I missed him,how much I loved him...

My darlin husband,you never left....you're always here with me and Kyra,looking at us.I hope you are proud of both of us.I'm sorry if you're sad if you see me cry.Sometimes the pain is too deep..and I miss you like crazy,darl...I Love You...:)

While You Were Sleeping....

assalamualaikum..sorry I did not update my blog for quite sometimes..I went away for a while..To get some peace..However,I realize that anywhere I went pun,he's there following me...as no doubt he was always in my heart...

Its 38th day today...Selama 38 days jugakla I didn't cook...wow,gila lah..This is the longest time ok..sejak kahwin that I didn't cook...I don't eat as much as I do before..and my Kyra ate just anything is she's not a fussy eater..Its just that I got 1 more job now,feeding that big 10 years old big baby.I don't know why,she didn't wanna eat on her own now..after you know what happened..

I saw him...the other day..macam dalam cerita "Ghost".He was so near to me..yet so far....I felt his presence..I know he's there..but unfortunately we were separeted by a thin line between both world...I cried like hell...The bond is too strong..the love is undeniable...I see him everywhere now..I cried when I wanted too..I reminisce when I have too...I'm taking time...to heal...to be strong...

My good friend,R,he texted me saying that I should fight with myself..yes..I should..I should fight to live..as seeing myself in this 38 days..I slowly drowned...drowning in my own fantasy world...R said I need to take it day by day..Don't think too much about the future as its gonna look hard...He made me feel better..Made me realize that life is about fighting..

Had a talk with mom and dad...Made me realize more about life...That the most important thing now is Kyra,not me anymore..She has a bright future in front of her and her dad would want her to go to Oxford or Cambridge...That I should try to fulfill....

I'm blessed with families and friends around me..even you readers out there that never stopped encourage me,support me...giving me hopes...I've decided...I was lost for too long...Time to fight,climb and be strong.He is around me,looking at me and he wants me to take a very good care of Kyra.That is is 'amanat'.How bad I felt,how weak I felt,I gotta do it for Kyra now...and him..

My Love,I know you are a fighter,your spirit will always be with me..I'm gonna fight for us..for our Kyra..You're gonna always be here..in the most secure,and special place in my heart...untouched..I wished you could move the coin..like in "Ghost"!!!!

Surat Buat Kekasih

assalamualaikum..Gosh..genap sebulan today...I go through hell to get to today..Not sleeping,waking up every night,feeling like crap,felt like my chest was about to burst,I screamedin my heart..There's even some nights yang I takleh tido..AT ALL!

I've lost almost 10kgs now...and I can't be bothered...I always have problem to loose weight,but now its easily gone...But it didn't matter know...If he is around,he would compliment me saying how good I look,how pretty I was..arghh..those good old days...

My darlin sweetheart,

Its a miracle that I managed to survive after 30 days without you..without hearing your voice,without feeling the warmth of your body...I missed everything about you...Your snoring used to be annoying sometimes but now..how I wished I could get up every morning hearing you snore beside me...I missed cooking for you..Gulai Ikan,Ayam Masak Merah,Sambal Sotong,Cucur Badak...Now,I just can't look at them..My tears will automatically run down...

You know what I missed about us?I missed salam you,cium tangan you and you kissed me before we go to worked..I miss you saying..Goodnight sayang,sweet dreams..I miss us holding hands while we slept..I missed us sharing the choc cake and ice cream at wagamama...

I never let someone this close to me....I never opened myself as I do with you..and I never loved someone as much as I loved you...and thats why...I can never imagine how human love could hurt me this much....You're the only one that can hurt me....always...

I'm sorry I still cried...so much..I know you wouldn't want me to be sad....to be this weak...But I can't help it..I'm so lost without you....This is insane,I know..It doesn't make sense...I still remember our first date,the perfume you wore..the shirt you wore..arggh..its too hurting for me right now...

My baby,damailah di sana...please wait for me..One fine day....We'll be together again...We missed you.....

Don't Cry

Day 29 today..assalamualaikum....Last night was the worst....not sleeping at all..punah angan-angan nak berjumpa kekasih di alam mimpi..iskh..iskh..I love dreaming of him,talking to him actually soothe me...makes me feel better..however..even when I dream of him,the sweetest dream will never do,I'd still miss him so very much...

Sometimes I just hate myself..my life is so empty right now..i depend on other people now...I know I should go on with my own life..I know I should re-start,but I dont know how or when....

There's this 1 shirt of him that he wore the night before....I memang slept with that shirt all this while..smelling him..wrapping the shirt around my shoulder..Now kena berebut dengan Kyra,dia pon nak half of the shirt..sabar ajalah...Seriously,I terjaga one night,tengok dia dok peluk his dad's shirt sambil tidur..bergenang air mata nie tengok...

I think she tried so hard to hide her sorrow,her tears...just to ensure that I won't be sad by doing so...I know deep in my heart she didnt wanna add my pain and sadness..Thats why she's being strong...arrghh..even my daughter is stronger than me...

I still remember...all this while,if i ever cried kan,he will took out his guitar and played this particularly song to me...the song called Don't Cry..by Guns n Roses..Siapa nak dengar cari kat you tube yer...Bait yang paling tak tahan sekali is.."Don't you cry Tonight...I still love you,baby".....ok,bila dengar lagu nie,rasa nak hantuk kepala 10 kali kat dinding...

I used to be a strong person..tpi it was before..masa he was around..now?To be frank,jasad aja yang berjalan..perasaan?takda apa dah..i don't feel anything.Nothing can hurt me even more...The hurt that I've been through is the most painful thing in my life..Kalau you all nak tau,saya seorang yang sangat penakut,everytime kalau terpaksa ambil darah,He will have to be in the Doctor's room with me..and I'll ended up crying..Ya,saya memang sangat takut dengan jarum dan spanar cabut gigi..Sangat phobia..

But the other day,I got poked more than 6 times..and I swear I didnt feel anything..Like I said,rasa itu telah mati...adoilah.....We were soulmate...too close...ok,rapat macammana?Rapat gila that we even shared the same tooth brush! So,now you know how close we are???darn,i hate this feelings! Call me whatever you want,looser,quiter,weak..I am all of that..and it didn't bother me at all...

Yes,I know menangis satu telaga pon,or keluar air mata darah pon will NOT bring him back,I know that,I'm matured enuff to realize that.However I'm not a person that can simply say,"Ok,he's gone now,so,what should I do with my life now?I can't move on now...NOT YET!

Have You Ever Love Somebody So Much?

assalamualaikum..Day 28 today...yang penuh dengan kecelaruan...Firstly,I wanna thank you all that requested friend iFB,message me in FB and left comments here in my blog.I want you all to know that I appreciate it so very much,but I just don't know what to reply..Insy,1 fine day,when I'm ok,I will,ok?

I started my cholesterole tablets 2 nights ago..And am feeling a bit uncomfortable..The doctor told me that I will feel a bit leguh-lenguh and sakit badan..The first night went fine,then today,mak aii,gila sakit mybadan,I woke up at 11.30am today.Tido balik after Subuh..Dahla malam bukan boleh tidur macam dulu pun.Dulu busuk-busuk pon dapat jugak 6,7 good hours of sleep..Now,nak dapat 2 hours pon bercinta,ok...

I felt so tired..so lazy to even wake up..malas..I don't wanna face the world,I don't wanna open my eyes and realize he was gone,I never even wanna go thru a day without him..pedih,seksa,segala yang tak bestlah...Semua orang cakap they never seen me this weak,never seen me this fragile,never seen me this demotivated...sesiapa yang knows me,semua tau that I'm a bubbly person..peramah gila,I usually can hide my problem with my smile..Selama nie,datangla masalah besar mana pun,I usually smile aja..

But this time,its different...I dont know when the same jovial girl will appear again..I'm just a sad girl now.I know allah chooses to menduga hambanya yang diarasakan mampu..But,can I?I'm too weak for this trial..I'm getting weaker everyday..i'm getting demotivated day by day..I wished I could just stop the time..and rest in my cave...

Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry?Ok,still rasa nak hantuk kepala kat dinding..Still  wished that i could hide all the happy status in my FB...Tau apa yang paling hurt?When he told me he's not gonna leave me....And he did!

The Fun that We Had..

assalamualaikum...Day 27 today...iskh..when you're in sorrow,time just passes you slowly,kan..And you can feel the pain,even nak lepaskan seminit tu pun..Bila time happy,cepat aja masa tu berlalu..tau-tau dah malam...

I wished there will be the day when I can reminisce and think of him without crying..just smiling,remembering those happy times we had together...i was way too immature for him..Too manja,sometimes I manja more than Kyra..And he was a sporting hubby,always manjakan me and always said that I'm still his baby everytime I made a mistake.He'll say,its ok,you're still a baby,i tak marah you....

Both of us were crazy tau,way too crazy..sometimes time boring,me and him will play thumb war,and I dragged him play sep sep sep tum tum tum with me...Time I nak jadi adult,we all play scrabble and Uno..kadang me and him main scrabble sampai 4,5a.m.Dulu time bercinta,we loves to play pick up stick..kalau we all keluar,selalunya we all lawan main race car la..and he ended up winning all the time..mamat tuh kan minat keta..he knows well when to brake and whatnots.

I love this thing he used to do to me..this thing where he sings like this.."Tumbuk-tumbuk emping,tumbuk lesung batang,mana tikus bunting?While singging that,he will poke his jari telunjuk on my palm..Then bila dia nyanyi the last sentence which is.."Lari masuk lubang..he will runs his hands and geletek me...I love that so much!gila tak immature kan..main macam baby....

The 3 of us,we played the silliest thing tau,macam lumba naik tangga,sapa last memang kena cap looser la the whole day...Arrghh,those memories...Kyra cakap last night,she wished she could just turn back time and change what happened,but she said,she knows its impossible..Allah already tetapkan everything..she said,its ok,we'll see abah one day..after Kiamat..i smiled and told her yes,we'll see abah nanti..when the time comes..

I still shed a tear last night and almost cried this morning..berjaya tahan pagi ni..Hope to see some progress soon..

Dulu we both pernah discuss,if any of us pergi dulu,would the other one,cari lain ke apa..I said to him,insy I tak kut..and I siap warned him,you jangan cuba nak kahwin lain,nanti I mai cekik bini baru u..Gila selfish,kan...Now,bila dah jadi cenggini,I'd rather I yang rasa all this pain,dari dia yang kena rasa this pain..And nak besarkan anak,uruskan umahtangga on his own lagie...Life is so empty without you,my best friend..Syukur ada Kyra,if not,lama dah I gila!!!

Sadisnya Kejadian Semalam

assalamualaikum...Just came back from somewhere..uruskan hal my husband...A part of me rasa lega..sebenarnya banyak lagi hal yang belum settle,I try buat one at a time...nak gather strength lagi,nak bangun pagi-pagi pon seksa..iskh..Syukur Tuhan still panjangkan usia time bangun pagi,tapi bangun pagi memang trauma bagi saya bila I remembered that he was not around anymore..

i had 2 other friends that lost their husband...I envy ms N nie..dia 2nd day after her husbands death dia dah boleh smile at people...dia strong giler...the other one,still cying every day and still visit her husbands grave everyday..Hmm..lookl like people have their own way to deal with loss,kan..i nie taktaulah apa cerita lagi..this 2,3 days teringat our 1st date pulak...whish really2 breaks my heart into pieces...tried so hard to block my mind everytime teringat,but sheesh,gagal juga..sudahnya,banjir air mata..had to lie to Kyra everytime she asked me bout my red eyes..padahal..meraung sorang2 lepas solat..:(

tau kenapa semalam sadis,tak?We used to have a 3 mths long distance relationship masa belum kahwin dulu.I was in KL and he worked in langkawi..Sometimes dia balik at his moms kat mainland.So,kadang-kadang kalau we all gaduh,he won't call me..kira perang dinginla..then I nie pon jual mahal..Sampailah 1 stage,I miss him,I akan cari dia jugak...most of the time,I will call his mom and ask her where he is..and left a message to her asking him to call me asap.Malam tadi,I tengah tidur..then i realize that i haven't spoke to him nearly a month..so,in my dream tuh kira i thought that he must be mad at me or maybe we got into a fight ke apa...Then i terjaga,pukul 1 pagi ke haper,terus nak cari my phone,kira nak rang his mom la tanya dia pegi mana and left a message..Then time nak dial,tetiba pulak I realize that she won't be able to find him anymore...he has gone..Gone forever! astaghfirullah....I pon apa lagi,terjaga tu terus meleleh air mata..Adoila,sadisnya mimpi tu...It feels like the first night together....adoi,duhai hati,tenanglah....inilah yang I get when I love someone so much,padahal dulu selalu ingatkan member,kalau sayang someone,jangan sayang 100%,sebab bila anything happend,kita tak teruk sangat fall..Now,dah jadi pada saya..:(

Am I Normal?

assalamualaikum...I got up every hour last night..It was horrible..it was painful getting up every hour and realizing that he is not around anymore.I kept thinking how to move on..how to manage Kyra,how to manage my life....

I can see everybody else has moved on from his death...Except some....except me and Kyra..i was asking Kyra whether she would like to stay in UK or Malaysia.She said she loves Malaysia but she didn't wanna leave her abah alone in uk(his remaining).that saddened me.She asked me whether we could take half of her abah's body and bury it in Malaysia?

Time supposed to heal all wounds..But why does it feel harder and worse or me?Am I normal?I know I'm still in denial...I'm still in shock..i don't know whether what I'm experiencing is normal or not.I still can't believe He was gone....forever....

I you ask me what I wanna do now,I would say,just lie down,not doing anything till i see him again..But deep inside I know how bad he wanted me to finish my studies..Its one of his amanat..I tak sampai hati...Walaupun I don't know whether i have the strength or not..I'm contemplating whether to go on with my studies or not.kalau ikut hati,I wanna give up on everything...not wanting to see anyone,talk to anyone,just be in my cave..and grieve..But I know I cant,I have Kyra and she told me yesterday that i'm not fun anymore..That hurts me..so much..How can I be fun..ever again???

Abang,I wished that you're here..comforting me..telling me that everything is gonna be ok..telling me that you're gonna always be by my side no matter what...today marked 24th day of his passing...and its not getting easier on me...Abang,I love you so very much..and I miss you terribly!

Keeping Tracks..

assalamualaikum..I know some of you would just expected what I'm gonna write in my blog everyday.i'm sorry if in any way,I dragged ome of you in my loneliness...I decided to write here,so that i can keep track on my grieving process..to see whether I'm making any progress or not along the way...

Now I realize why I feel hurt..I think its because my other half did not expect it as well..didn't expect that he will die that morning..and thinking how painul he is struggling with his last breath just hurt me..Just like I cried bila kyra nangis masa kena injection masa baby la...the feeling you felt when someone you loved was in pain...I tried to blocked my memories most of the time..sometimes i succeed,sometimes I failed..Its a repetition..till I just wished that i can just go to sleep and choose when to wake up...

I did something today..I CUT MY OWN NAILS!!! gila achievement..without even shed a tears...sebab?dah panjang sangat,and I know that he's not gonna be around to do it for me anymore..takkan nak biar cam kuku beruang,kan..so,terpaksala gagahkan diri do it on my own..tapi pedih gila la hati nie..

I did some readings as well...baca how people cope with the loss of their spouse,how they got up...ada this guy nie,still cried everyday after 6 mths wife dia pass away..Tuh lelaki..Me?No comment la...ada hari i tak menangis langsung,ada hari,I akan nangis berbakul-bakul...This pain I'm experiencing nobody can understand the depth of the pain..not family,not friend...except someone yang hilang their other half aja yang faham...No comforting words can calmed me down..or makes me feel better..if you all know what I mean..:(

I hope there is some progress...I hope I'll be able to live a normal life..eventho it seems so impossible..But i wanna keep believing....That the only thing that I have not..Believe..Believe that all happends for a reason..believe that Allah has better plans for me..Believe that ada ganjaran bagi manusia yang bersabar di atas DugaanNya...Thats what I can do now....Believe...

Last night I terjaga lepas I realize that i sobbed in my dream...bila bangun takda tears pun tapi dada sebakla..terus terjaga and solat Subuh...then dozed off again and terjaga balik at 7.30am...Macam inilah saya,tidur tu dapat beberapa jam aja now...:( I'm hoping that I'll get better...though I miss him every single minute....It still hurts..so much!

Adakah bahagia itu milikku?

assalamualaikum...went out today,to get some air...but balik dari outing,terus menangis 2 rounds...Its seems like a neverending sad movie...I diasak dengan pelbagai emosi yang tak mampu I tanggung..:(

Macamana nak rasa bahagia kalau the root of happiness was taken away from me? Tried so many things to cheer myself up but to no avail...Apa kes,kalau solat pon mengalir ayaq mata?

Yang....I didn't do enough ke to save you? Am I too late? Or did you just gave up on me and Kyra??? Subhanallah...hambamu yang lemah ini selemah-lemah insan..Bila rindu itu terlalu dalam,aku tewas juga...............:(

Gila Hurt

assalamualaikum..Last night was the worst night ever..subhanallah...I dreamt of him like 3,4 times..Then bangun this morning,tengok mata dah bengkak.It started with Kyra asking me to open his dad's FB laa malam tadi..lepas tuh,both of us were drowned by tears..adoilaaaa...then dua-dua tertidur dalam linangan air mata...haru lahhhhhhhhhhhh....

Then macam biasa lah,terjaga 2,3 times through the night,mimpi dia,mimpi cakap dengan dia,mimpi that I told him I'd rather be the one who go first than him..macam-macam!!then bangun pagi,mata dah bengkak,mesti dalam mimpi pon meraung nih!!!

I just wanna get it over with....penatla teringat,penatla menangis,penatla in sorrow and pain..Penat tengok Kyra menangis teringat kat her dad...Sayu gila....apala anak sekecil tuh faham tentang kematian..Did she knows that her dad won't give her away during her wedding?Did she knows that he's not gonna be around for family scrabble night or Uno night?Adoihla...pedihnya....

I went to the registrar again today,to settle the death certs...Kan registrar tuh sekali dengan birth dengan marriage registration kan.So,adalah 2,3 couples yang tengah happy-happy pegang bouquet of flower,mushy2 dengan couple masing2...yelah newly weds,kan..me?I'm torned apart..Gila Hurt..And there I was,kena dafter kematian...orang yang I cinta...pedih..pedih..hurt..Hurt...sakit gila jiwa nie...

Sometimes I rasa I can go on,sometimes rasa i can't..Tapi yang penting,saya amat Hurt today....:(

What He Taught Me

assalamualaikum..just went back from clinic..with not sooo good news.Its weird that my sugar level just 4.5,way low and my cholesterole level is a bit high...darn! I got poked again for a blood test today,hopefully my liver is ok..I'm gonna have to start taking a cholesterole tablets now,till my cholesterole level goes down..darn again!!

I hate medicine,i hate how we have to depend on them..I bought grapefruit juice and planning to drink it as much as I can to lower down my cholesterole level..gastric pon teruk jugak..hadoila..takpelah,ini rezeki i,kena terima..Agaknya my husband tak jadi gitu,I nie pon tak pernah terpikir nak buat health test..dengan ECG lagi pon buat,alhamdulillah,jantung i healthy..

Got an sms from my mom in law,she just found our pictures and she said she misses my husband so much...Dengan tak semena-mena i pon menitik air mata...i said to her,I missed him so much to..air mata nie tak tahu berapa banyak dah yang tumpah..I told her he was a good man,a good husband,a good father..best man I've ever met in my life...Adoilah,terus jadi nostalgia dah hari nie...:(

I'm so sorry lama dah tak upload gambar in my entry sebabnya my i-phone dah kong-kang..lecehla..digital cam ada,but tak berani nak bukak..kot terbukak gambar my husband..I prayed to Allah everyday so that Dia bagi I semangat,kekuatan..nak teruskan kehidupan...Its not easy..to go on,especially when you're living in a foreign land....I'm gonna have to manage everything,studies,Kyra's school,my project paper,bills,yada yada.adoi,belum fikir lagi how to manage it all.I'm taking a teeny weeny steps now...Baru jek merangkak nak bangkit balik..Please pray for me...thank you all..for the support and condolences..I can never repay your kindness....

When The Going Gets Tough...

assalamualaikum...am still waiting for the result of the test I did in the clinic earlier..I was feeling so sick,weak and exhausted this 2,3 days..Still waking up every night at 2,3a.m.Still hurt...However,i was thinking the other day,till when I should be like this..feeling so weak and demotivated...I cant be like this forever..He would have hate to see me like this...

I got up today,had a cold bath,get out of the house,settled some pending stuffs..I got few more things to settle..I felt weak and fragile inside,but I cant lay in forever...I need to sort my studies,my accomodation, my daughter..I need to go swimming...or jogging,let the sweat out..then I might feel better.There's some days that I feel stronger,but there's some days I just sit in and reminisce...thinkin of him,thinkin of the wonderful life we had...

Some of my friends told me they can never imagine if they were in my shoes..Loosing husband so sudden,with a child...They said they'll go crazy...If you guys wanna know,I went go go gaga as well..Nobody knows,how hurt it is to wake up in the middle of the night,just to realize He's not sleeping next to me..singing me lullabys,whispering how much he loves me..Sangat pedih....I looked all right physically,but mentally,I'm ruined!

From now on,I'm gonna have to cut my own nails,I'm gonna have to comb my own hair,I'm gonna have to tungku my own stomach when I have my period..I'm gonna have to tie my own shoelace.Its not easy..But I have to do it...I love Kyra...I love Him...My mom said love should not hurt us..but makes us stronger..He'll be crying if he sees me grieving,I don't wanna make Him sad...

Life isn't fair always..Ramai orang jahat kat luar sana still hidup and buat benda-benda jahat whereas my love was taken away from me.But I must not questioned Allah's decission...Allah loves him more than I loved him...Takdir nie telah lama I terima..Its just sometimes I cant bear the pain of missing him..that's weakened me..Ya Allah,ketentuanMu aku redhakan...please bless me with health and strength to go on..to face the world..Its gonna be hard,its gonna be tough,but when the going gets tough,the tough gets going!

I had a Dream..

assalamualaikum...Just came back from the clinic to take some tests..Hopefully semua turns out ok.I had lost 4 kgs in 14 days..Never in my life..pecah rekod,ok...yelah dulu Hidup ala-ala untuk makan,now had to force myself to eat just to get up..just to live..sadis....Nothing seems to excite me anymore..no food can comfort me anymore....

I missed him..missed him so much...The other day I prayed to Allah that I wanna meet him in my dream..as I missed him too much...Alhamdulillah,my doa was granted..I dreamed of him 2 nights ago..This time same scene,he was feeling dizzy,but by the time the paramedic arrived,he's still breathing and they managed to save him..Then I terjaga at 3am feeling very weak with a chest pain...Dreaming about him making me sick..I really should avoid thinking of him as everytime I think of him,I felt like a very sharp pain in my heart and I ended up kena panick attack or chest pain...Aduhai....

The Dr told me today,the pain,sadness and stress will go away usually after 3 months..WHAT??Its only 17 days and I dah rasa cam nak mati...another 2.5 mths to go??? Oh my,this is a death sentence for me..Allah,please have some mercy for me...This torture and pain is unbearable...

I'm thinkin bout my future..I need to finish my study,I need to go on with my life..but its not getting easier....I want him..I want him now...I'll give anything to have him back..but I know its impossible..Its painful when you know nothing you can do to make things better..to bring him back to life...That hurts the most.......:(

Kekasih...

assalamualaikum my dear readers.Sorry I haven't approve some of your friends request in FB.There's tonnes of messages that I need to read...I went off to somewhere yesterday.Hoping that I could cheer myself up...Amazingly,I managed to stay on the ground this 2,3 days..

No tears,nada.I was holding back my tears and my thoughts most of the time..Tried my best to hide the pain and sorrow from Kyra..However,today,air mata ini tumpah jua...Not in front of her of course...I was sobbing on my own in the room..When I thought that I was getting stronger..when I thought that I can managed...I failed...However,I think crying is not a sign of weakness.It is indeed a way for me to release the pain inside...The pain that I don't know when will disappear...

I looked at the car passing by and think of him..How we used to joked around while driving.....I ate the food that he fancied...masih terngiang-ngiang how he called me everytime he came back from work...He would hugged me from behind and asked me what I cooked for dinner..Seriously rasa nak hantuk kepala nie kat dinding so that I don't reminisce anymore.I hate this feelings..I hate crying all the time,I hate pretending that I'm ok,and all the people that said to me that I'm strong,I'm nothing inside..Still sobbing before going to bed,still not eating,still having a panick attack and anxiety disorder..I was scared all the time,scared that Allah takes me soon,scared thinking about Kyra's future if I'm gone too...But what hurt the most was seeing the man you loved fight for his life...A traumatic moment that I'm gonna have to bear all my life!

Yesterday was day 14th of his death.Time passes.Even when it seems impossible.Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise.It passes unevenly,in strange lurches and dragging lulls,but pass it does..even for me...