13 going 31

Assalamualaikum...alhamdulillah..kerana Allah telah memanjangkan usia I pada hari ini.Happy Birthday to me.To my friends yang dah wished via FB,thank you so much for the wish..I'm truly touched...

I kept looking at my phone just know..wishing he would call..like he always did..tepat pukul 12am.last year he called at 12a.m and wished me..Then later when he came home,he brought with him a big bouquet of red roses and a really pretty birthday card.He would kiss me and says "Happy Birthday,sayang"..."I love you so much"..Looks like its not gonna happened this year. :(..Its so painful you know..The 1st year celebrating my bornday without him,after almost 11 years together...I was so devastated until I wanna forget my birthday.Like I said,it doesn't matter anymore to me...The day he left me..us..nothing matters to me anymore..No money or materials can compensate our loss.. I stopped thinking about this world..just thinking how to raise Kyra the way her dad would want me too..Thats it.I stopped dreaming,I stopped planning...as I felt whatever I do or achieve,he was not gonna be around to congratulate me...or kiss me on the cheek and say that he's proud of me..I remembered how proud he was when I managed to get 4 flat 3 semesters in a row while I was doing my Public Admin Diploma.He stayed up till 4am to help me bind my assignment,helped me translating,give ideas..or simply accompanying me until I finish my work...

The other day..I saw him..in my dream..he waved at me...three days earlier i dreamt of him also,this time,he hugged me and said that he loves me.I had a terrible breakdown the day after..I think I'm getting crazy kut..Or I missed him so much that I always dream of him...Sometimes when I woke up in the morning,I felt happy..I knew he was in my dream the night before,but I don't remember the whole thing,but I do know I saw him...weird gila aku nih!

The best gift he ever gave?Hmm..I think its the gold anklet,but sadly,I lost it after 2 weeks..he was disappointed,but things happened kan? rasa nak hantuk je kepala kat dinding bila I sedar I cicirkan that anklet..Punyalah lama mamat tuh save duit nak hadiahkan,alih2 tercicir pulak...pastuh kan,last 2 years birthday pressie the platinum ring..boleh tak a month ago,I lost the diamond?Tak taula mana pegi.Tinggal cincin yang ada lubang pasal diamond dia dah tercabut.Kyra said I should chuck it away as it has no value without the diamond..iskh budak nih..Dia ingat its about the diamond..I'm still wearing the ring even without the diamond..believe me,I look super pathetic..hahahahaha

Kyra buat ayat sedih semalam..Dia kata"Mama,belila kad manila,I wanna do a proper card for you".."I don't have money to buy you a card"...Kesiannya dengar..luluh pulak rasa hati..nak menangis pon ada..I said "Its ok,its the thought that counts"..Budak kecik tuh siap announce that she didn't wanna go to school..Motif?Birthday I..Masuk akal ka?iskh,memang akal panjang sungguh budak nie..I said to her.."Mama pon kena kerja tau even its my birthday or not"....:)

However,not all la memilukan kan..I'm going back home tomorrow..and my brother yang kat Holland pon is coming back for my birthday.So,the whole clan is gonna serbu my parents house tomorrow..star jump wei! hehehehe...Alhamdulillah for that,family reunion..I miss everyone like crazy la...So,makan besar la kan,apalagie :P

Allah Al-Mighty..last year was a year full of tests..and I can say the hardest test I had to go through..However,I'm thankful that I have a loving family and friends who support me,who was there with me..along the way...Its a blessing...Pedih dan perit tak dapat dinafikan..Namun,bukan semuanya pahit..Dalam pahit,ada manisnya..Eventhough I belum dapat move on sepenuhnya,at least I'm better than 4 months ago..Syukur Alhamdulillah masih diberi peluang bernafas dan hidup di muka bumiNya ini..Semoga I dan Kyra dikurniakan kekuatan,kesabaran,keimanan dan ketabahan dalam menempuh dugaan yang maha hebat ini.Ya Allah,tetapkanlah imanku,janganlah kau gelincirkan hatiku setelah kau memberiku petunjuk dan hidayah..Panjangkan usiaku,sejahterakan tubuh badanku dan berkatilah kehidupanku dunia akhirat.

Mama and papa...terima kasih atas kasih sayang yang tak berbelah bahagi selama ini.Tanpa kalian,tiadalah kakak di sini.Semoga Mama dan papa juga dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki olehNya...Amin..Ya Rabbal Alamin...

Happy Birthday To Me!

At Last That Day Come

assalamualaikum...Baru dapat rest today..I was damn busy...nak menapas pon sengkak..hadoila...I'm busy weekdays and weekends..I'm hoping that i can find time to spend with my darling daughter..

Tomorrow,27th of April..a day before my birthday,will be a day that I'll remember for the rest of my life...Why?tomorrow is the last day of my edah,yes,4 months 10 days..I was counting days and suddenly bila tinggal 1 day aja,I felt weird..does this means I cant mourn anymore?or I had to be strong..or I cant be sad..or i'm not supposed to cry anymore? I'm not happy with this other than holidays with my girlfriends.I told them that we need to wait for me to habis edah,only I can go for a holiday...And now,rasa tak seronok pulak...Rasa that I wanna be in this gloomy situation as far as i can...:(

I wished I could tell you all that I've moved on,that I stopped being sad..that I'm ok now. But I guess,I'm not a pretender...I'm still in so much pain,so much hurt..its like a wound that will never heal..Its like someone stab you with 100 knives..and the pain..you feel it in your vein..every single minute...

I guess all love story ends the same,kan?Sebab cinta sesama manusia adalah tidak kekal di dunia..However,I belive that we're meant for each other..me and him...and I still believe..someday,me and him..will find ourself in love again..somewhere..for eternally..

hopefully in heaven,insya Allah...

Nak menci diri sendiri sebab love somebody so much pon takleh because he's my husband..I'm supposed to love him so much la kan..tapi itulah,bila dah sayangkan seseorang,bila dia dah tak ada di sini,I pulak yang teruk..:( I so wish that I could escape this pain,misery and loneliness..I so wish I could be with him..but,I know its so impossible,and I don't wanna wish that I wanna die,amalan pon tak cukup lagi..dosa pon banyak lagi nak kena bertaubat..iskh...

Kadang-kadang bila nak sedapkan hati sendiri,I'll say to myself..tak apalah,semua orang pon in some point akan mati and lost their loved ones..thats what we have to face as humans...and thinking that one day I'll meet him insya Allah,bring smile to my face...

To my darling sweetheart.I hope you're proud of who I am..and how I took care of your precious lil baby,Kyra. Mama minta maaf if I can't be a good mom and I know that I can never take your place as her dad.But honey,I'm trying my very best..to bring her up as I think you would like me to.I'll enrol her in piano class,just like you asked me to..Please..don't stop visiting me..come and see me now and then..In my dreams...I miss you so very much..and If I could trade anything with you,I'd rather not have anything but you...I love you so much...so very much..more than the tears I cried since you left..more than the hours I think of you..:(

It was you..who put those clouds above me..It was you who made the tears fall down..It was you..who made my blue eyes blue....

Look at our cheerful face..I hope I can turn back the time..where I can smile and laugh...:(

I want nobody but you.....

assalamualaikum..Happy Monday to all...I was supposed to sleep nie..I had terrible sore throat,the full package,fever,cold,cough,headache...sakit jiwa lagi..:P I so need to go to work today..but...I was advised not to..so,after taking my meds,I tried to get some sleep..but I guess I cant...

I don't know how I got so sick...maybe I'm too exhausted..or the weather change...Tapi malas nak fikirla..The most logic reason is,its Him up there who decides siapa yang sakit and siapa yang sihat,kan...But,I so wish my other half would be with me..holding me close, feed me and give me medicine bila sakit..1st time sakit,I'm alone...and Kyra is at school..:(

Owh,now I remembered why I got so sick at the 1st place..we were driving the other day and Kyra found like a scrap book..It was his...Full of poems that he wrote for me 11 years ago,before we got married...I was so excited...I read..and read..and its all coming back to me now...The hurt,the pain,the memories..like a flashback..I was hurt,never once pon I recover since his passing..I'm hurt everyday,I'm in pain everyday..But seeing his handwriting,reading his poems..just hurt me so very much..:(

I was so sick last night,fever and headache...then I started to cry....like a baby...when I read 1 line of his poem.."Sebenarnya dirimu teramat kucintai,kurindui,hanya Allah yang tahu tentang sebenar-benarnya"....I just can't bear the pain..Kyra was asleep at that time..and I cried..cried..and cried..like nobody's business...I wanted to ask him why did he leave me..But I know that I tak layak..Kita semua milik Allah..tiba masanya He will take us back...But the thing is..I'm not ready..not ready to loose him..its too soon...I still need him..belum puas bersama dia,I wanna create lotsa memories with him..I wanna grow old with him..I wanna ride motorcycle with him, I wanna sleep on his arm...I wanna pick his shirt..I wanna kiss his warm lips...not cold lips...:(

I'm in so much pain right now...so much misery....never I imagined..that there would be someone who would love me that much...and what made me more sick is he wrote

"Tuhanku,kau siksalah aku,kau ujilah aku,kau parahkanlah lagi lukaku,asalkan bahagia itu milik dia"

Ok,this is too much to bear,I'm back to square one again....and I HATE this feelings so much!

P/S:Me and Him already picked 3 names for our children before we got married 12 years ago..Looks like its just Kyra then..:(

I want nobody but YOU..I miss you like crazy!

Humans and Speculation

assalamualaikum...I'm workin from home this evening..This morning memang busy gila babs punya...adoi..but I'm glad boley have lunch and suap Kyra makan..Besar rahmat tu...

Hows your day?ok ke ko? Biasalah,ada hari up,ada hari down...

today nak share pasal speculations..Kenapa yer manusia suka spekulasi hal orang lain? Means, memandai buat anggapan mengenai orang lain..Sangat hurt yer bila kita dengar benda-benda yang tak betol pasal kita..macam kita nie jahat sangat.

So,memandangkan ada manusia dah cap kita macam-macam,biar terus jadi jahat and balas balik.I might look soft and naive..tapi,saya sangat cepat naik hangin.Apa kata orang?Cepat sentaps..means,don't mess with me,buruk padahnya..sekali orang kata,10 kali nanti peluru berpandu menyerang.Sebab tu,jangan cari pasal dengan I,nanti lagi menambahkan dosa I nie sebab kena tepis bertalu2..

Adoila,kadang-kadang rasa menyesal sebab balas balik..Tapi kalau senyap jek,sedap jek mulut orang mengata itu ini..I so wished my husband is here..takdenya orang berani nak mengata macam-macam,He will defend me till the end...Iskh..

Ada ka orang kata I nie sombong?Apparaaa..memang orang tu tak kenal I la kot..Who knows me well,takde hari la nak cop I nie sombong and tak sensitif pada perasaan orang lain..terutamanya yang lebih tua.

I don't understand,and tak tau apa yang depa mau sebenarnya..I don't have extra time nak berjimba-jimba...jumpa anak pon sejam dua aja now nie.I need to work..lainla tak kerja...makan pencen bulan-bulan..or ada sugar daddy ke sugar mummy yang tanggung hidup.I'm on my own,susah,senang,just me and Kyrana.Time I susah,ada korang nak tolong? Iskh,kadang sakit hati tau....

I was so sad yesterday....sampai I had to balas balik..tau-tau jelah,bila I balas,jadi 'panas' la..sebab hangin topan pon nanti keluar..Then bila dah balas,mula rasa menyesal...adoila,why la at the 1st place korang nak mengata yang bukan-bukan.I lost a husband..tu dah cukup menyakitkan..at least,be considerate la..apsal nak sakit hati tak tentu pasal dengan I nie?

Last-last I decided to just chill..no point layan orang yang tak kenal siapa kita..tak guna..buang karan saja..Biarlah apa korang nak mengata,nanti kat akhirat korang cari I jelah mintak maaf yer..senang cerita..penat wei nak explain satu-satu kat orang,tak kuasa den!

P/S : Saya memang tak selesa tidur umah orang..so,jangan speculate napa saya suka tido hotel..Selain tak suka menyusahkan orang,saya tak larat tengok orang buat muka bila saya bangun tidur pagi-pagi.Sekian!

The Last Song....

Good Morning everyone..I'm on holiday today..yes...yes...Gila super duper happy cuti sehari,kan...Apa nak buat nie?Main bowling?movie?lepak dengan Kyra?Or tengok homework Kyra..which is BORRINGGGGGGGGGG.....:P

Last night,me and Kyra watched this movie...The Last Song,Miley Cyrus act in it.I was so sceptical at first kot2 the movie sucks..however,I was wrong..ok,sesi menangis ada 3,4 kali.. Which is badddddd...Last2 bapak Miley Cyrus tu mati pasal cancer..I really should not watch any movie or drama yang ada death la...buat I lagi sakit jiwa and deja vu aja. But you shud watch the movie,I liked it..so much....

The day before,we all keluar ramai2 tengok RIO 3D...This one memang 5 stars la..Best sangat..kelakar gillerr..Love the 3D effects...Kyra gelak tak henggat dunia.....Me too..At least it took away my sadness for almost 2 hours kan..:)

Other than that,I'm still like this..still talking to my dead husband's photo..still asking him how he were..even when I know that he's not gonna answer me back..Still asking Kyra what she think her dad was doing..and the answer from her is still the same..Sleeping..

3 of my friends who lost their husband pon dah selamat berkahwin kali kedua.Tahniah I ucapkan...There are some friends who told me that I should..be in the market again..or start dating again...Hahahaha..that is so funny...The truth is,how can I go on when I still in love with him..Sometimes I think that maybe I'm crazy..time supposed to heal the wounds,kan..But yang I nie terbalik kot,I love him a little bit more as days passed me by.. Makin lama,makin cinta..How la to go on?How la to open my heart..

Well,I think if Allah permits,when the time is right,I might..But not for this near future kot..I wanna shower my Kyra with my love,belum ada empty space for a guy la...She's growing up,she needs me and I don't want anybody else in between us now.We're just happy berdua..Berdua lebih baik?Cheh..sangat cliche kan :P

To whom yang tak kenal I,or my husband mesti tak faham why I'm being cold and rigid towards opening my heart again...If you know,u know la..When you have such an angel as your husband,its just almost impossible to find another one like that..Plus lelaki nowadays bukan boleh percaya,yang dah kawen mengaku bujang,kaki kikis,panas baran, playboy,banyak lagilah..2,3% aja yang boley pakai.So,the best solution is..SINGLE is the best la..Why?sebab no commitment..no string attached..Kalau I rasa tetiba nak pegi Gold Coast,pack2 my bag,tarik Kyra,just go and fly aja.Easy!

Ada orang tanya I,do you think you gonna remarry one day?I said.."Hmm,buat masa nie tak teringin lagi..sebabnya malas nak jaga sesiapa la,nak kena bangun awal buat breakfast,nak kena jaga makan pakai,nak kena jaga hati orang dan in laws,nak kena bangun awal weekends..I'm so comfy now...weekends lepas Subuh boley tido sampai kol 11am...Breakfast I hot choc cicah roti aja..senang..and yes,I dah 4 months tak masak..and I don't miss cooking..In fact,cooking will remind me of him and his fav food...iskh :(

Ok dolls,I need to go now..But I wanna leave you the OST from the movie The Last Song by Miley Cyrus..This song is dedicated to my darling husband..I Love You so much,honey..so very much....Enjoy....:)

Friends Are Forever..

assalamualaikum gorgeous peeps...Happy Monday yeah..I nak gelakkan diri sendiri sebab I pon dah takleh berjimba-jimba melepak kat umah..adoi,kena bangun pepagi buta siapkan Kyra..Nie baru sudah gosok baju sekolah..iskh..cepatlah anak aku besar,malasnya nak gosok baju sekolah..Menda yang paling I anti nak buat is gosok baju...adoila...

I missed my besties....cheh,padahal baru jumpa jek...I'm so blessed with loving family and good friends..They were there when I needed them the most..When I needed a shoulder to cry on,when I needed a place to talk...iskh,bila kita susah,baru kita tau siapa kawan sejati kita,kan?

My husband used to tell me that best friends nie tak semestinya kita selalu jumpa..Tapi orang yang pertama sekali kita akan cari bila kita susah or need someone...My best friend forever yang paling lama I kawan nama dia Hani,we've been friends since darjah 2 lagi,oh my gosh,gila lama,23 tahun tu kawan...and sampai sekarang kami still rapat.She treated me dinner the other day masa I balik Malaysia....

Then there's my uni friends..my pre law classmates...They were there jugak thru thick and thin...The climax of my life would be the death of my other half...Sampai aja I kat Malaysia for my time off,diorang pakat-pakat datang and bawak i keluar lunch kat Kelab Tasik Putrajaya.Sangat terharu...Thank you all...tak tau how to repay your kindness...Just wanna let you know I love you all so much...and I hope our friendship will lasts forever...

My BFF...Teman gila Tutti Frutti...Red Velvet Flavour Rocks!!

Errk..gumuknya saya,pipi macam kueh Apom!


P/S:I've made lotsa friends thru blogging jugak,like Nana Birm,Ermayum,Sha Ms Lvoe,and Haida Mrs Jon..Thanks jugak sebab you all selalu bagi support to me,muahhss

One Birthday wish....

assalamualaikum...I'm so sorry for leaving me blog unattended...almost 3 weeks,huh?errk...dalangnya? Its just my new job...Ada hari yang I balik 12am tuh..adoila.fenat,fenin.. But takkan nak melepak kat umah nangis hari2 kan?Tak productivela pulak.Need a job,need lotsa money,need to put Kyra in good university So,kesimpulannya,kene kerja...

I've been super duper busy...Kadang rasa bersalah...especially when Kyra starts complaining,saying that she got to see me only 2 hours per day now..What to do anak, I need to work so that we can make a living..Its not that I'm so desperate ke haper,boleh aja nak kerja part time,but i wanna make sure Kyra lives comfortably.

I kinda like my new job...walaupun a bit tiring..however,alhamdulillah,Allah the Merciful was there with me along the way,blessed me with lotsa opportunities and thank god for that.I'm still the same...the wound still there...it still hurts..but I'll manage,insya Allah.

My 31st birthday is 13 days away..ke my 13 birthday?hehehe..kompius pulaks...saja nak gediks verangan muda...:P Kyra asked me the other day what should we do on my birthday. Pedih woo nak jawab..I said"It doesn't matter to me anymore..Its just like any other day..since abah left us..Its true,This is the 1st time in my life I didn't look forward for my birthday,the 1st time I wanna forget about the day..The fact that my edah habis on my birthday tuh sepasal la,then the man I love was not around anymore to celebrate with me lagila menambahkan ke tak ada mood an celebrate birthday..

Yesterday,I picked Kyra from school..She handed me a stack of paper...She said her friends wrote a birthday wishes for me.I told her my birthday is 14 days away..She said she knew,but her friends wanna do the card for me jugak..I read what her friends wrote"Aunty,Happy Birthday,May You be showered with love...OMG,It really touched my heart,since nie semua kawan2 baru Kyra,baru kenal her 2 wks since I moved her to a new school kan? I donno what to say except thank you..I think I shud belanja them cuppies la masa birthday i :) So sweet,kan?

Kyra wrote me something too but I tak sempat baca pasal rush nak balik office pulak. So,last night just before dozing off,I opened her card...Actually i nak bluetooth from my phone,but pehal ntah sending fail aja to my lappy..Gila! Geramm..So,I re-write la her birthday wish yer...

"Mama,Happy Birthday..Even if we celebrate it without abah,it will still be special..I Love You and Have a Good Birthday"..Love,Kyra.

I cried....I cried instantly...I just can't take the pain....I don't know whether I should feel sad or glad..Mixed emotions giler2....My eyes kept tearing down....Kyra knows how sad I am,and how I'm not looking forward for my birthday..and she wrote that...It just touched me..so much...touched my soul....

I'm so glad and thankful to Allah,eventhough He took the man I love,He spared me an angel...a girl that loves me unconditionally...I'm so proud of Kyra..and Darling hubby,thank you....thank you so much...because of you..I still have her...our precious gem..:)