Day 29 today..assalamualaikum....Last night was the worst....not sleeping at all..punah angan-angan nak berjumpa kekasih di alam mimpi..iskh..iskh..I love dreaming of him,talking to him actually soothe me...makes me feel better..however..even when I dream of him,the sweetest dream will never do,I'd still miss him so very much...
Sometimes I just hate myself..my life is so empty right now..i depend on other people now...I know I should go on with my own life..I know I should re-start,but I dont know how or when....
There's this 1 shirt of him that he wore the night before....I memang slept with that shirt all this while..smelling him..wrapping the shirt around my shoulder..Now kena berebut dengan Kyra,dia pon nak half of the shirt..sabar ajalah...Seriously,I terjaga one night,tengok dia dok peluk his dad's shirt sambil tidur..bergenang air mata nie tengok...
I think she tried so hard to hide her sorrow,her tears...just to ensure that I won't be sad by doing so...I know deep in my heart she didnt wanna add my pain and sadness..Thats why she's being strong...arrghh..even my daughter is stronger than me...
I still remember...all this while,if i ever cried kan,he will took out his guitar and played this particularly song to me...the song called Don't Cry..by Guns n Roses..Siapa nak dengar cari kat you tube yer...Bait yang paling tak tahan sekali is.."Don't you cry Tonight...I still love you,baby".....ok,bila dengar lagu nie,rasa nak hantuk kepala 10 kali kat dinding...
I used to be a strong person..tpi it was before..masa he was around..now?To be frank,jasad aja yang berjalan..perasaan?takda apa dah..i don't feel anything.Nothing can hurt me even more...The hurt that I've been through is the most painful thing in my life..Kalau you all nak tau,saya seorang yang sangat penakut,everytime kalau terpaksa ambil darah,He will have to be in the Doctor's room with me..and I'll ended up crying..Ya,saya memang sangat takut dengan jarum dan spanar cabut gigi..Sangat phobia..
But the other day,I got poked more than 6 times..and I swear I didnt feel anything..Like I said,rasa itu telah mati...adoilah.....We were soulmate...too close...ok,rapat macammana?Rapat gila that we even shared the same tooth brush! So,now you know how close we are???darn,i hate this feelings! Call me whatever you want,looser,quiter,weak..I am all of that..and it didn't bother me at all...
Yes,I know menangis satu telaga pon,or keluar air mata darah pon will NOT bring him back,I know that,I'm matured enuff to realize that.However I'm not a person that can simply say,"Ok,he's gone now,so,what should I do with my life now?I can't move on now...NOT YET!
2 ulasan:
I can't imagine sapa2 would say that you're weak/looser/quitter ... to me you are very strong. Kalau I nak tulis blog pun belum tentu larat. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I baca your blog, I teringat cerita PS I Love You. I can't imagine what you're going through. I simply cant. Baca your blog pun I dah berair mata let alone experiencing it.
All I could say is take care my dear. There are still loads of people that love you. Its not the same but hopefully it helps a little bit.
Meen,
Don't cry and November Rain were the songs that he always played for me masa bercinta dulu..when he had to leave me in malaysia. he went to Eire a year ahead and i was half crazy been left behind. those too songs were very hurtful then but now it is even worse..i can't even think of the title of the songs, rasa so phobia dah..i cannot listen to those songs any longer...sedih dah ni...ALLAH, help us!
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