City of Love Without Him...

assalamualaikum..Firstly,I'm so sorry that I left my blog unattended since last week..hahaha..been busy on the road,on the plane..on the high speed train...on the RER lah..

We went to Paris after a 2 days stop in Rotterdam..umah my lil bro..I'm gonna talk in details about Paris in the next entry yeah..Today just a not so detail one..I guess some of you..especially my long time readers know that Me and Him planned to go to Paris since last year..Why?2 things..We wanna celebrate our 10th Anniversary and secondly nak bawak Kyra pegi Disneyland Paris..

And my other half came up with this sweet idea..He said we should rent a suit and gown and take pictures in front of Eiffel Tower..I'm sooooo in love with the idea..arghh,so perfect to mark our 10 years of marriage..kan..kan..City of Love..and us,so much in love...Then we all planned nak pegi Monaco,tengok the famous F1 circuit,paham jeklah orang gila kereta mcm my husband.And I pon share the same interest jugak..Both of us gila F1...:)

However,on the 21st October,which is our 10th Anniversary,we had to work and we can't turn it down as the pay was quite good..so,kami decided to just celebrate at home and tunda the plan to this year,2011 lah kan..Plan nak pegi time Spring la....However,apakan daya,kami mampu merancang,Allah jua yang menentukan..He was taken on december 2010...sob..sob... 

So,Last Saturday I decided to go Paris..sebab both me and my husband had promised Kyra nak bawak dia pegi Paris...Disneyland..so,gagahkan juga diri,padahal dalam hati hurt gila..serious hurt gila...Muka happy..hati?Paham-paham ajalah kan?

We went to Eiffel Tower then took the Paris River Cruise,adoi,memang sangat romantic kalau dia ada..I loved it soo much..My mind was somewhere else all the time we were on the river cruise..Nampak Eiffel tower,nampak dia..and his romantic plan...

People said time heels all the pain..Tapi yang heran,why do I love him even more..Or I'm going crazy? I missed him soo much...Going to Paris is fun..but it would be a blast if he's around..I'm imagining both of us holding hands strolling along the River Seine kan..adoila,sadis..sadis...Gila pegi Paris takda my other half..tapi sebab sayangkan anak..sebab nak tunaikan impian anak,ku gagahkan juga walaupun perit,walaupun kaki nie tak larat nak melangkah...adoi...

Tau part apa yang paling perit?The last night we were in Paris?At around 3a.m,He came in my dream..We were in some sort of party sapa ntah,then he grabbed me and looked at me..I asked him whether he love me or not..He said.."yes,I cinta you,I cinta you sangat,you know I always do..sampai bila-bila..no matter what"..Boleh pulak dalam mimpi tuh I terpikir nak tanya,even if you're dead?Tapi tak tertanya..Tapi that moment,that 5 minutes was the best dream ever...Then bila bangun,I lagi haru lah kan...Lagi gila teringat kat dia,I fell in love with him again..over and over again...Memang tepat sangatlah timing mimpi tuh,siap kat France lagi..adoilahh..:(

Nie gambar anak saya..my baby..my princess..my precious..I love you so much Kyra..Mama loves you so very much..I'm so sorry that abah was not around to enjoy Paris with us..Nevertheless,I'm gonna always be with you thru thick and thin..Its gonna be just the two of us now,sweetheart,BFF forever!

Eat Wind...

assalamualaikum..sangap gila kan title entry today..hahaha...tetiba gatal nak meng "englishkan" bahasa Melayu..no offence yek..saja nak ceriakan hati yang tak berapa nak ceria nih..hehehe..adoi,gelak pon cam tak ikhlas kan..poyo aja..:P

wokeh,after sekian lamanya post2 I agaks suram and dark aja..today meh kita citer pasal menda yang tak berapa nak sedih..padahal today hari paling sedih dalam sejarah sedih,nantila..one day I story mory...

Ok,eat wind=makan angin la kata orang melayu...Today me and Kyra went on a road trip..Just the 2 of us..Tanpa you know who...sadis woo bawak keta 1st time long distance kat uk nie...Selalu laling aja yang drive kan..Tapi xpe,spirit laling tuh tetap bersama..Adoi,tapinya dia takda,I bantai tekan minyak tak henggat dunia..Mampoih kena marah kalau dia ada...

So,we all nak jalan-jalan UK la,nk tenangkan fikiran,nk visit member2...nak hiburkan hati yang lama dah tak berapa nak ceria nie kan...So,tonight,we all crash kat sini:-

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Yeapsy daisy,Holiday Inn Express in Stansted,London..Ingatkan nak drive direct to our destination,but dah gelap..so,I tak berani nak go on..so,singgah sini dulu la semalam..Quite big la this hotel bandingkan dengan the same hotel near my house tuh..

Lepas dah check in,rest2,solat2 semua...Eh,lupa,nak kasik rating the room kan..Room is quite nice,you all tengokla kat bawah nie..

Kira oklah kan..bilik paling cikai a.k.a standard...Adoi,nak book bilik gempak pon takda maknanya..lainla kalau nak honeymoon ke haper ke kan :P

We all pon menujulah ke restaurant hotel..sebabnya malas nak keluar..ada McDs seberang jalan but pehal nak makan burger malam2 kan..kalau Prosperity Burger meleleh gak air liur,ni takat Fillet O fish..muak dah la...heheheh..

So,restaurant hotel nie open from 7am till 10pm..Deco wise I like la..sebab cosy and luas...

Tapi weird lah cara order food..Bukan waiter datang tanya kau apa nak makan and ambik order..Kita kena belek menu atas meja,tengok no meja and bangun pegi bar and order food serta quote no meja...Malas gila nak queue bagai..Tapi,pe bley buat,perut lapar...

So,we had all Singapore Chow mein for our dinner..instead of chicken,I opted for prawns,Kyra order skinny fries,Onion rings..and for drinks we had hot choc..Rasa?Bolehla kalau makan time kebulor..kalau time tak berapa nak lapar,memang I bagi 5 stars!

Bukan 5 stars outa 5 yer,5 stars outta 10..Nasib aku dah tak berapa nak terror masak sejak 2 bulan tak masak..Kalau tak,senang2 jek beat chef hotel nie..wah,ayat tak bleh blah kan..takdelah...For me,biasa ajala the food..takdalah superb kan..Apa Allah bagi rezeki,kita makan,jangan banyak songeh,meen..Banyak lagi orang kebulor kat Afrika tuh kan..Okeh,esok kita sambung road trip yeah..nantikannnnnn......:)

Why Do I have To Love You This Much??

assalamualaikum....As you all know,I'm moving somewhere else...Far from this place..Where it all begins and ends...Tadi we went to his grave...Siapkan his grave bagi cantik2 sikit...I put a white pebbles which he loved so much...Me and Kyra both did it on our own..

I'm sad..I'm so sad...I can't explain how sad I feel..To leave our apartment..to leave this place..full of memories..I'm sorry my love...I tau I janji I akan teman you here..be near to you..But I'm sorry I'm gonna have to break the promise...I sayang you..I sayang you sangat...Tapi I tak boleh stay here anymore...I felt so sick...The air feels so thick to breath in,the songs seems out of tune....

This is the last night we're gonna be here..me and Kyra...Cinta,we had so much fun together here..we went snow sledging,we went picnic,we went to the Lotus track...we went to the beach time nak snow sampai terketar-ketar kita..I never felt cold..you were always there..holding me....keeping me warm...

You put me to sleep for 10 years..you played your guitar until I fell asleep...You played with my hair before I go to bed....I felt loved..Rasa cinta you meresap dalam jiwa..dalam setiap urat nadi I....I miss our little talk..about masa depan..about our dreams..about Kyra..How both of us are so proud of her..especially you....

Kekasih,hati nie hancur..hancur luluh sebenarnya nak tinggalkan you..maafkan I for not being strong...maafkan I for letting go....Maafkan I sebab I tak mampu nak go on...I'm scared..I tak rasa I mampu jadi abah and mama to Kyra at the same time..:(

Sometimes I marah diri I sendiri..For loving you this much...I know I shouldn't...but I let it happend anyway..I opened myself..I let myself be so dependant to you..I gave my heart too much..and now I'm hurt..Never in my life I felt this hurt...Whenever I was hurt before,there's always you by my side,comforting me..hold me close to your chest,seka air mata I,and pujuk I that everything is gonna be okay..and now,I'm crying on my own....:(

I miss you so much...I miss you suap I makan..I miss the smell of your french toast every morning....I miss sharing tooth brush with you..I miss sleeping on your arms...I miss you sleeping on my lap...I miss making coffee for you..I miss cooking your bekal..and above all,I miss you looking in my eyes..telling me how pretty you think I am..telling me that I'm your angel..Telling me how you'll pray to Allah that I'm gonna be your angel in heaven,insy....

Baby,tolong jangan benci I for breaking my promise..I ingat I kuat,but I'm not..Insy I janji I akan datang visit you one day yer sayang..One fine day..For the time-being,bersemadilah dengan aman di sana..Kita dah janji kita akan cinta each other sampai hujung nyawa kita,kan....you proved yours...I'll proved mine,insy...Please wait for me....Di Pintu Syurga,insy...........

I Love You,honey....so very much..........

                 Kasih seorang anak....pada seorang bapa yang sangat sempurna pada matanya...

Al-Fatihah.....

She Made Me Sad

assalamualaikum..insy,we are moving out of our apartment...ala,apartment yang penuh dengan kenangan..adoila....so,we did lotsa packing since last week..Most of our stuffs masuk dalam rubbish bag and sedia nak di hantar pada charity home...Then we came accross my husband's old guitar..Memula memang ingat nak bagi charity aja..

Then,tetiba mek kecik sorang nie mengimbau kenangan la pulak..dia kata she wants to keep it as her dad taught her guitar using that guitar..tak semena-mena,I yang ok,terus jadi sayu..Below are the picture of them practicing guitar..Yes..that guitar is the guitar that I've been talking about..Tak mampu nak teruskan penulisan..sangat hurt...:(

                                        We missed him sooooooo much..:(

I Feel Small...

assalamualaikum...I have so many things to share..My recent impulsive buy in Holland pun I tak upload lagie..dok pikir nak upload ke tak,kotla tanpa sengaja ter 'riak' pulak kan..nauzubillah...

I've been avoiding reading people's blogs now...Bukan sebab I meluat ke,menci ke,tak suka ke..But because everytime I read other people's blog,I felt so small..Rasa rendah diri dengan my kekurangan...rasa macam orang lain semua bahagia aja except moi,kan..aduss...sadis sungguh...

But then,I dok musahabah diri..That whatever Allah turunkan for me..is the best..I kena yakin Allah itu Maha Mengetahui..Dia tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita..I had an almost perfect life before..for 10 years..walaupun duit tak berkepuk,but I have two angels with me..thats enough for me...Hidup yang perfect dengan kasih sayang..However,Allah pinjamkan Dia for me hanya 12 years saja...Which I kena banyak-banyak bersyukur....

Orang kata,bila Allah sayangkan kita and ingatkan kita,Dia akan uji kita..nak tengok tahap keimanan kita..dan bila Dia menduga kita,insy Dia akan ampunkan sebahagian dosa-dosa kita yang terdahulu..Aminnn...Apa yang jadi,sebenarnya sangat pedih..sangat perit..for me..Tapi,looking at others yang nasibnya lagi teruk,astaghfirullah..mereka-mereka nie masih lagi sabar dan tak jemu memanjat syukur pada Allah..

I love him...he's my 1st love..my true love..tapi,andai I boleh pilih whether dia hidup and menderita,lumpuh ke,strok ke,I redha Allah ambik dia..sebab I tak sanggup tengok dia suffers..So,sebenarnya apa yang Allah bagi nie,adalah yang terbaik...I have a saudara yang husband dia meninggal,dia ada 3 ke 4 children..Dia sara anak-anak dengan meniaga ais kacang di tepi jalan saja..

I'm blessed that I still got my parents..yang tak jemu menyokong..yang tak jemu bagi guidance..siblings yang memahami and kawan2 yang sangat caring...and you out there..yes,you..my dear readers yang sangat supportive and bersimpati....

Jika kita rasa kita susah..kita teruk,ramai lagi yang lagi teruk dugaan nya dari kita..Kita di dunia nie masing-masing ada dugaan masing-masing..I hilang suami..ada yang hilang ibu-bapa..ada yang hilang anak..ada yang anak ramai but kewangan tak mengizinkan,ada yang kaya tapi tiada anak...So,kesimpulannya,Tuhan tidak jadikan seseorang itu sempurna..masing-masing ada flaws,kan..kerana kita hanya manusia...manusia biasa

yang lemah dan hina di sisiNya..

I missed him..like crazy..susahnya rasa hidup tanpa dia...the lack of emotional support tu yang menyeksakan jiwa..tapi tak apa,I got Kyra..insy I akan cuba didik dia how her abah wanted me to..She told me the other day that she wants to be a vet..I said ok,kena belajar rajin2..So,my aim now is bagi dia pendidikan seimbang dunia dan akhirat....Semoga dia membesar menjadi anak yang solehah...

                                      Cutie pie tak bakal Vet,nih?Hehehehe

Exactly 2 months

assalamualaikum..Today genap 2 months he went away...He was taken by to see his creator on the 17th December 2010.He was 38 years old...I know I didn't explained why he died..I'm sorry,I wasn't ready at that time..He was having a massive heart attack..Thats what the coroner told me..For me,sakit adalah penyebab aja..The real deal was its his time,kan..Ajal dia..Sebab ramai aja yang tak sakit apa-apa and suddenly go...

I'm just like this..with Kyra..I still missed him..still deeply in love with him..But the real fact that I must accept is He's gone..I like to say it he's physically gone..Spiritually he's still with us..visiting us now and then..I hope...

Its not an easy thing to swallow...accepting the fact that he's gone pun not easy..I took almost a month..Even now sometimes when I woke up,I still can't believe he left us months ago...Driving around the city without him is hurting...We passed by the place we used to have our family picnic,where we played football,where we ate,where we had our gediks date,where we tapau food....arrghh..My knees are like jello..macam nak pengsan rasanya...

However,I tried to be strong,went to the garden centre,siapkan his grave berdua dengan Kyra..Memang rasa nak pengsan everytime I visit the grave..but,gagahkan jugak kaki nie..demi anak,demi diri sendiri..Sometimes I just got so tired of being so weak and fragile...

Life is hard,but life must go on...Semua yang kita ada di dunia nie hanyalah perhiasan dan pinjaman dariNya semata...I believe Allah had a better plans for me and him..I'm thankful that walaupun Allah ambil orang yang I cinta,He granted me something better in return..yang tiada galang gantinya...For that,Alhamdulillah...To whoever is in sorrow,please..dekatkan diri padaNya...Turn to him..Dia saja yang dapat membantu kita..Merintihlah padaNya..Insy,selepas kesusahan,akan ada kemudahan....Amin..

Kambing pun suka dia..adoilah....

I'm Haunted

assalamualaikum..Ok,yesterday is the first full day we spend in our my apartment..The first thing I noticed when I opened the door was the high pile of letters and brochures and pamphlets..The first thing I did was to open them and stuck the rubbish ones in the black bag...Then I went to our room..saw his fav shirt,specs and his sweater on our bed..I left it exactly just how it is almost 2 months ago..This 17th is gonna be exact 2 months he went away..frankly,I didn't know how I even get through the first 1 month..I don't wanna elaborate about the pain hell I've been through..its unimaginable...believe me!!

I pick up his shirt and sweater and held it to my face and the familiar smell struck me..Arrghh,I felt him..and it hurts...I then realize he was gone and he will never come home again...Even writing this hurts me...But I had to..as it helps me deal with the grief..

I saw his work shirt,his pants,his pillow...then I open the fridge,I saw the last meal he cooked for me,Sambal sardin that I taught him months ago....Yes,I'm crazy..I still keep that Sambal sardin for no clear reason!!

I taught him sambal sardin because he loved it soo much..he said he never really liked sardin,except mine..Kena dengan his taste bud..So,I said,I need to teach you how to make it,hon..he said,no at first,He said,you're gonna be here forever with me..I don't have to...I said,"You should...I might go someday and I would like you to cook it when you crave for it"...I always thought that I'm gonna go 1st..But...I was wrong....

I can't stand the pain...its only 30 mins since we arrived..Kyra was being helpful by washing the toilet and cleaning up..and me..I just can't do anything..I stood there like a statue..feeling every single pain in my vein....

Then I had to asked Kyra to go out..I just can't anymore..We went to Apple store in the city centre to change my faulty macbook charger..Then I bought some clothes for me and Kyra..some perfumes...as it was on sale..damn cheap..I was hoping that I could take my mind off by doing some mind therapy..Boy i was wrong..nothing I do or buy can make me happy...

Then we went to Wagamama..the place that we used to date....I ordered the usual...Salmon Terriyaki and chilli squids...Cant even finish quarter as it was both our fav meal there..tak tertelan...rasa macam pasir..and I struggle to swallow it down my throat..Being there yesterday just hurt me even more...I hate it!!!

The night at the house is the most terrible thing I had to endure..My friend was with me accompanying us..but it didn't helped at all...The coldness and emptiness just killin me and I just slept about 2,3 hours last night..I saw him...getting ready to work,do his crazy dance and try to run when I made an attempt to pull his towel..yes,we are crazy!!!

Yesterday,I can say is the most painful situation in my life..Never I felt that bad..apart from seeing the man I love died in my arm.....I turned on youtube..listening to the quran..until I felt asleep....Allah Almighty...Please show me the way..berikan aku secebis kekuatan..to go on..to take care of my daughter...She has lost her dad...I need to be strong for me...Please help me Allah....Amin...

Our House..

The Balcony where we used to look at the stars at night and dream....

A Place Where We Find Happiness

assalamualaikum..alhamdulillah..yeay,we're back in UK..I'm so sorry that I didn't announce it here that I went back to Malaysia for some time off..I went back almost 2 months...If my parents didn't bable at me that I should come back here to UK to start settling things,I'll be at my parent's staring blankly at the ceiling,AGAIN!!!

Never in my life,I ride a bus in uk nie tau..why?sebab He will always pick me up at the airport,from school,from shopping mall semua...Hikmahnya semua nie jadi,I started to become a more independant person..I'm reluctant to take a cab from Stanstead as it cost almost 200 quids..apa?almost RM1000 just for 1.5 hours journey from the airport to my house..CRAZY!!!

Then I decided to take a bus..gila 1st timer..tak pikir dah nak sesat mesat ke haper,janji 50 quids for 2 orang..save almost 150 quids,hokey..Tapi journey yang 1.5 hrs jadi 3 hours la pasal banyak stops kan...Lantaklah labu,janji save....sangat cheapskate,kan?Eh,tak,being rational haper...Duit yang save tuh boleh beli handbag,haperr..eh,silap...hahahaha...:P

Then reached our place petang..Gila melancholic rasa..Nasib tak lalu the cemetery...kalau tak mau meroyan nak terjun taxi tuh kang..hahaha...Pedihnya la bila balik sini...dek terlalu penat and jetlegged,we decided to crashed at the hotel aja...umah dah tinggal 2 mths,tak larat nak mengemas semua bagai..so,lepak dulu la kat hotel...Hotel apa?Hotel ni!!

The very 1st hotel we stayed as a family when we first came to UK almost 2 years ago..sadis..sadis..I saja jek test my limit,kan...Fortunately takdala drama air mata..Nasib bukan the same room,kalau tak,memang dah jadi Drama Minggu Ini dah....

This place sangat serene...where semuanya bermula and berakhir..Starting of a new life and it ends here..Where he left us..where he was buried..untuk bertemu dengan Pencipta kita..sob..sob...I was so blessed that I have family and friends yang sangat supportive and understanding..especially my parents....my siblings...

The winter is almost over here..Spring is approaching..Me love Spring...will update some more later-later kay..Love you all..muahsss!!

A Very Longgg Journey

assalamualaikum..I realized after spending almost 2 months in Malaysia,I got soo tan..This must due to berjemur kat pool almost everyday..And today,I decided to come home...I just touched down at Schiphol,Amsterdam..It was indeed the longest flight of my life..It took 12.5 hours from KLIA and I can´t even sleep at all....arghh..Kyra slept like almost 7 hours..I melayan lagu Taylor Swift and 2,3 movies..Sayu sangat tengok seat beside Kyra empty..It should be him sitting there,the man I love..whom will be bored to death pasal he can´t smoke..haru...

Then touched down pepagi buta kat amsterdam,siap la beli ticket Fyra,the high speed train to Rotterdam Central..malangnya..brain malfunction,mengong kot pasal tak tido,silap naik train...When I asked around,this guy said he was going to Antwerp..what the tutt,kan..Gilo ke hapa...Nasib tak kena panic attack...hadoila..Then alhamdulillah,train tu stop jugak kat Rotterdam Central,tapi lembab la,not as fast as Fyra tuh kan....

Below ada la picture of Rotterdam city...nie I tengah charge my I phone,nanti petang I snap more ok...

Life is Like A Box Of Chocolate...

assalamualaikum..Day 52 today...I'm glad to say that I felt a lot better..I still cry..but not as much as I did in the beginning..The first three days of his passing,I think I cried like 15 times a day till a point that I dont have any more tears..and ended up crying in my heart instead..which is way more painful,I can say!

I still miss him..so much..I still reminisce...yesterday watched Lagenda Budak Setan,nangis la...gila punya nangis time Kasyah tunggu Ayu kat labour room.I remembered He waited for me back then.He told me it was the longest moment of his life and he said he never felt that scared all his life..He said he can never imagine if anything happend to me and what if I leave him..yeap,suamiku sangat dramatic,hokey!!

I felt so down yesterday,so I decided to take a bath,pray and recite quran..I make it a must to recite quran everyday nowadays as I realize how peace I felt afterwards...Then I went out with Kyra for a meal..I've lost around almost 12 kgs in this 52 days,but Kyra on the other note gained like 7 kgs...She's been eating like nobody's business...

We had a heart to heart talk yesterday..She told me when she's stressed,she will eat a lot..That explains jugak,as before all this happends,she's not that big eater..I asked her why?She said because her dad left her..Ok,I'm quite surprised...I think she's using food to calm her emotion..whereas I'm using my brain strength to calm me down....

I pity her..so much...I know she misses her dad but she had to hide it from me..She knows I'm gonna have a major break down if she cries in front of me...Looking at ither girls playing with their dad just breaks our heart so very much..I tried to spend as much time as I can with her..but I know,how hard I tried,I could never compensate her loss...our loss...

I missed our monoply nights,uno nights or simply Bingo nights..ala yang main cancel2 number tu...The three of us enjoyed our games so much..We didn't have any Wii or PS2 so that we could spend our quality time traditionally playing cards and board games.



I'm sad,but I'm not as depressed as I was before..I can feel that I'm getting calmer...Deep down inside,it still hurts,the scars will be there forever..however,life is too short untuk menangisi nasib..and who am I to question or judge Allah,He knows the best....He has given me the wonderful 12 years and I should redha when He decided He wants my husband's back...Dunia hanyalah sementara and a transit for us to go there..I don't think I should worry too much about this life...I know deep in my heart that He'll be there waiting for me,hopefully di pintu syurgaNya..Amin...

Look How happy Kyra was on our Monopoly Nights..Thats my darlin sweetheart hand.......This was taken 3,4 months ago..

P.S I Love You...

assalamualaikum....watched this movie P.S I love you after Nana mentioned it a few times.Felt like I've watched it before..with him..but I'm not sure...The story is basically about Holly,whom lost her husband to brain tumor.She was 30 when it happened and they've been married for 9 years I think..

This story reminded me bout him..so much...i was 30 when i lost him..he played guitar,just like jerry,Holly husband..and they both passed away during winter...arghh..pedih..I watched it for 15 minutes and decided to stop..Why?Sebab tak tahan pedih..I was crying like mad....

Holly saw him sometimes..just like I did...But she is stronger as she could live at their apartment all by herself..which I can't..I have'nt started packing his stuffs yet....and I don't know how yet..I know its gonna be hard,its gonna be painful..but I'm gonna have to do it one day..

This movie is a very good movie..it was quite depressing at first,but towards the end,you will see the light at the end of the tunnel..It made me cry..and laugh at the same time...I think Holly got over him after a year of his death..But this is just a movie..not a reality like what I've been through...So,it is actually harder in real life...

i'm glad I watched the movie though..Thanks Nana babe....I hope Allah will grant me His Mercy and guide me through this darkness..Insya Allah..I may loose him..but the one that always be with me all this while is Allah..he is gonna be with me..and show me the way....Amin..

I'm Incomplete...

assalamualaikum...its Friday again today...everytime Friday comes,i will remember him automatically as he passed away on Friday morning..It felt like yesterday when i saw his face..I had a terrible toothache since yesterday,been taking paracetamol to make me feel better..adoi,its more painful when I decided to fast..so,I'm praying to Allah that I can tahan the pain till maghrib today..amin..

Woke up quite late this morning,as the result of my sleepless night pasal my toothache...Took my phone and godek2...last2 terjumpa all my darling sms es,since July last year...Adoi,read one by one...syahdunya reading what he wrote,how he missed me,how he loved me so much..Deep inside,I know I'm not gonna get that kinda sms es from him anymore..any it hurts! I missed his phone calls,especially when he called me when I was busy cooking and said he was in mood for 'bercinta' thru the phone.And I would say"You takde keje,yer?And he would laugh out loud!!

I miss cooking for him..seeing him tambah nasik berlumba-lumba dengan Kyra..There's this one night,I told him I'm not cooking,then tetiba I masak nasi lemak siap daun pisang with his fav sambal sotong..I can see how his eyes glowed when he saw the food ready when he came back from work...I missed that..I missed when he hugged me and said thank you for cooking for him..:(

Its not easy,when I go everywhere,I saw a complete family..husband,wife and children..Do you know how hurting it is?Like a blade go thru my vein...Sedih,sebak,semua rasa ada...he is my soulmate..we complete each other..and now..I'm lost without him..I'm incomplete..........:(

Aku Tak Biasa....

asalamaualaikum my dearest readers..I'm sorry that I've not been updating my blog lately.I'm ok,I'm fine..Its just that i've been through a lot.The fact that I'm not ready to move on..the fact that I still can't move on...the fact that I'm still not getting the strength that I need to go on..and so on..

I'm trying to find myself pon jugak....And believe me..its not easy,the pain is not getting any better..Hmm..but 1 thing I realized,I love Malam Jumaat now...Why?Obviously not for the reason those husband and wife out there had...Its because I heard that on those nights,the roh might come and pay us a visit...I enjoyed reciting quran for me and him..I really hoped that he is happy that I recite yassin for him every malam Jumaat..

Nothing new..I still sleep with his shirt....I still dreamed of him almost every night..i still got up like 3,4 times every night feeling ketat dada...argghh..Ya Allah,please take this pain away as its becoming unbearable now...

I did a blood test the other day for thyroid..Just as a precaution..I'll be getting the result soon..Hopefully its nothing...

I was thinkin today..ada lagi ke Cinta Sejati wujud kat dunia nie?The one that he and me had?Semua orang boleh cakap I Love you?But to what extend you can prove it..If your rich husband got poor and you had nothing to eat,would you still stick by him?If your beautiful wife got sick and paralyzed,would you still love her?I had that with him.....we were together thru thick and thin...we were together when we had nothing to eat...we were together when we had to walk like 8km every night...we were together when we had to bring Kyra home with a taxi without air condition...

When I got sick,he would come to me and said he prayed to Allah that He transfered all my pain and sickness to him.....and...The most painful thing to remember is He even prayed to him,whatever happend,take Him first and Allah did..Allah granted his prayer..He was gone.....He left...I know I'm his source of strength,and he knows that well..Thats why he always pray that it should be him who go first as he knows He will not be able to go on without me..I know that..he said it...he told me he can't live without me...and I see that in his eyes...

Darling,its too painful for me when you left,but I know,if its me..you're gonna hurt more..so,I accept this fate..I know its for better..I love you..so very much,with all my heart...:(