assalamualaikum...
I was so devastated la today..Mixed emotion..Start my morning with crying la..macam biasa..then ok skets,went to have my breakfast..ok kejap...as I was about to have my bath,datang lagi perasaan haru itu,nangis lagi dalam toilet..sampai bengkak bijik mata...then..lunch with Kyra,main game,ok kejap..then...went out,settled some stuffs..then balik...terbaca something and terus reminded me of him..nangis lagi..sampai throw up..keluar segala isi perut..tak penah-penah nangis teruk macam nie...Then went out again..ok kejap..then balik,saw something,terus nangis lagi..Ok,Hari nie saya nangis 4 kali...Hampir nak pecah rekod hari kedua he passed away iaitu menangis tak berlagu sebanyak 10 kali..
Adoi,tak tau apa nak jadi..I'm tired..tired of this sufferings...tired of missing..I'm not crying because I tak redha or I tak sabar yer..I cried because I missed him so much,missed talking to him,I would want him to be here on Kyra's 1st music lesson..and sebab esok fathers day,dia takde dah.Period.
I'm done explaining to people why I'm still holding on..I'm sick of having to make a statement why I can't move on...Yes,its been 6 months..and yes,other people moved on..but they are the strong ones..they are not me..and they are not the one who lived with my husband....
Only a few close people yang knows my husband personally know why I'm like this and why I 'm not ready to move on.You are not in my shoes..you will never understand why.So,I'm wasting my time telling everyone and pretending that I'm ok while I'm not.The truth is I was never ok pun since he left me..left us..never once I feel a complete happiness...How can you be happy when your other half was long gone?Lalu makan kah anda?lena tidur kah anda?
I don't wanna say anything else...I just wanna be on my own this few days...And I've made up my mind..it doesn't matter kot no one understand the kind of love that we shared..I don't give a damn..No one was really here pon when I needed them the most..Just me myself..dealing with this pain and misery...So,why give a damn?
Ok,I'm a looser..and i couldn't care less..yes,its true..I can't live without him..Every seconds pass me by felt like a needle go through my vein...and no one will understand the pain....So,just go on..and make your assumption about me...as nothing else matters to me now..
The only thing I wanna do now is sit by his grave and talk...and recite him fatihah.Tu aja,and I can't even do that...Sucks!
5 ulasan:
salam meen, you hv yet done with the emotion cycle.. it is ok..there is no need to explain to anyone because you know yourself better..one day when you complete the cycle, you will find that you are a strong lady :) take care meen, i'll pray that Allah gives you and kyra the strength to endure the hurts and the pains..and one day you will be able to smile again
salam meen...
menangis la meen if it really helps. I never been in ur situation but i can feel it dengan baca apa yg u tulis. if ada yg nak u immidiate stop meratap pemergian dia sangat lah tak wajar... U kawen for 10 years! 10 happy years u bersama dia... Mesti lah sgt sedih dgn kehilangan. apa yg u boleh buat sekarang, try to busy urself.. Whenever u patah semangat, peluk Kyra kuat2! She the only harta & amanah u.. lahir dari cinta u and ur husband. Pandang muka kyra, Insyaallah u akan kuat. Keep on praying pada Allah moga hari demi hari hati u akan kuat, serta u makin tabah. Take care dear!
sis meen. be srong. i do agree with kak lina. penulisan kak meen buat saya faham apa yang kak meen rase. kadang2 kan sy nangis bace ur writing. suci dan ikhlasnya cinta husband kak meen. that is why, kak meen lebih touch n missing him a lot. i understand what u feel. Kak meen kuat. percayalah. like kaklina said, pandanglah kyra dalam2 pelok dia kuat2. then u will feel "him" in kyra. trust me, klu kak meen boleh luahkan sikit2 n share what u feels dgn kyra, then inshallah it will loosen your stress at least a bit. because kyra no u better than others. mungkin kyra lebih faham dr orang lain. be strong kak meen, inshallah one fine day, Allah akan tenangkan hati kak meen. memory indah takkan pernah mudah untuk kita lupa kan rite. Apa-apa pun take care. doalah, dan selalu sedekahkan al-fatihah utk dia supaya hati kak meen lebih tenang.. :)
meen u take yr own pace and u dont have to follow others k
and care less what they say
u re right they are not in your shoes they wont understand
i still cry when I thought of my dad also and he is my dad ok not a husband yet - kalu orang yang kita peluk every night mati memangla lagi susah nak lupa and a being who is already half of us
cnk-my strength now lies on my daughter aja..syukur her dad left me something precious..Tulah penyambung kasih sayang kami..and bukti cinta suci kami..Thank you dear for giving me motivation..appreciate it so much..:)
Eda-Yeap..susah nak explain the kinda love that we had..yelah..orang yang kita peluk tiap-tiap malam fpr 10 years ok...how can I forget in 6 months aja...and being him yang sangat caring..makes me wonder is there any other guy like him out there..:(
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