Would You Understand?

assalamualaikum..The past few weeks I was so busy..But it doesn't mean that I'm ok...I think its just an escapism..you know,to be busy,just to distract my mind...Its just that whatever I do pun,I still feel sad...tak tau nak buat apa pun to make me happy again.A friend of mine sent me a text wishing that everything is gonna be fine.I told dia that things will be just fine..but it can never be normal again...never :(

If i tell you all that I am so hurt,would you understand?If I tell you that it felt so painful when I woke up every morning,would you understand?If I tell you that I misses him like crazy,till I just break down and cry would you understand?

I don't know whether I'm ready..ready to work..ready to go to class..ready to go on as usual..It seems harder and harder each day..not better...the pain gets more intense..I just dont know what to do anymore:(

Kyra shed a tears yesterday..I was about to pray masa dia cakap she misses her dad..meleleh air mata dia bila dia ternampak her dad's pics masa dia bukak purse dia..I was so surprise..dia jarang nak cakap she misses her dad..she cried just 2,3 days aja after her dad passed away.I think she hides her feelings so that I won't be sad...she was doing me a favour..Lepas jer dia meleleh air mata,masa dia cakap I missed abah so much,I turn around..trying so hard to hide my tears..air mata i bergenang masa solat tu...tried so hard to be strong and not to cry in front of her..

I pretend..pretend so hard...I cried like mad at 12am almost everyday till now..just to ensure she didn't see me cry...Bila dah pukul 11pm,nearly 12 am tu,memang my usual crying time..Bukan saja suka suki jadi hobby menangis..tapi,everytime I wanna close my eyes,I teringat dia...then mulalah balik to square one..I thought I'm ok,but I guess I'm not..

Sebab semalam I didn't cry masa Kyra cried,then today start my day pon dengan rasa lesu aja..rasa pedih dalam hati bila ingat kesedihan anak...I pity her..pity her so much..hilang kasih sayang ayah pada usia seawal 10 tahun...I can never imagined her feelings kalau I kat tempat dia...:( I had an important meeting today..suddenly,my eyes teared..I know I can't cry in the meeting..tapi masa tu rasa macam perasaan hiba nie dah tak dapat ditahan-tahan lagi...

I went out,picked kyra,went out again..On the way,called my best friend,and terus burst into tears..bukan burst sikit2..adalah sejam kot menangis kat parking lot...rasa segan jugak menangis dekat dia,tapi,at least I dapat keluarkan semua rasa pedih dalam hati nie..:(

I don't know apa kesudahan hidup I nie..takkan selama-lamanya nak macam ni? I looked ok from the outside..tapi inside,I was never ok..since he went away....tidur tak pernah nyenyak selepas dia pergi...I know that deep inside,I'm loosing myself..I'm not the person I was before...I loose hope...I just don't care anymore..I wished I didn't have to do anything except cry...I know crying won't bring him back to life but at least it ease the heavy burden in my heart...

Can I just not do anything...can i just feel every stab in my soul? Can I please have him back again...in my arms? was it too much to ask? I was the weak one..yet I was the one who left...to feel the pain....Allah the Merciful...this pain is too great...I don't think I can take this much longer...what am I gonna do with me life now?Would you ..my dear readers ever understand???

I wished I could hold him now..feel the warmth of his body...never failed to make me feel secure and safe..Human love is so hurting..starts with a smile..but end with tears..all the time!

Hurt..Hurt..Hurt..Hurt..and Hurt......Bila hurt is beyond hurt..apa manusia biasa macam I boleh buat lagi selain break down and cry :(